I wish I could tell you that there was a secret to having high self-love over-night, or a straight forward fool-proof approach on how to develop it.. but there isn’t. Nothing of that sort. What I do have for you guys is a self-proved method on how to accomplish self-love, having gone through trial and error and over years finally having a good sense of how I have achieved the love I currently have for myself. Which is A LOT 🙂💖.
How Not Loving Ourselves Affects More Than Just US.
First, lets back track and take a glimpse at how I was and how I viewed people back when I had little to no love for myself. My inner distaste for myself manifested in my inability to care about others and be genuine. I was a completely different person to who I am today. I was a shitty person simply stated. How?
Due to my lack of self-love I was always trying to make myself better by putting others down in my mind. I used to always compare myself to others and say “okay I’m better than her because I have a better figure”, or “I’m working harder”, or “I have a better job”, or this or that. Honestly regardless of whether female of male I was VERY competitive. But in an extremely unhealthy way. It was an obsessive reaction to whenever I felt intimidated, and it was a vicious cycle.
The other thing I needed was validation from others. I felt insecure (another reflection of low self-love) and needed to hear from others how amazing, beautiful, sexy and wanted I was. So what did I do? I did just as anyone hungry for this validation would do and I shared pictures on my social media that prompted these responses.
That’s right, I did that. I would post pictures of me with little clothing online, was obsessed with my appearance and weight and I would entertain guys I wasn’t even interested in .. to what avail? .. well, the feedback of validation would flood in daily and I felt AMAZING. What I eventually saw though, was that those highs were temporary.. and SO EMPTY. I was being told all of these things by people who truly didn’t care about me, and at the end of the night all I had were empty words from people who didn’t care about Laurie, mounted on top of the stomach wrenching realization that I didn’t either. I was proving that to myself every day. And I was tired of feeling that way.
So I started making changes, and in the beginning those changes were small. The first thing I did was acknowledge that I had a PROBLEM and then I recognized how toxic this was for myself.
I then started reflecting asking myself, do you really have to be the best? Is that even logical? There are 1 billion people on this planet, are you going to make yourself go through this comparison every single time you encounter someone who has a lot going for them? How reasonable is that?
I then decided to place myself in a different position because this whole “that person’s awesomeness sucks and is making me feel bad” nonsense had nothing to do with the other person, and everything to do with me, and I recognized that. So I did a 180 in my thought pattern and decided to
replace those emotions with feeling HAPPY for that person. Instead of trying to put them down I decided to feel proud of that person because whatever they had accomplished they had accomplished because of the hard work that they put in, and they themselves deserve acknowledgment for that! Just like I too wanted acknowledgment for myself! Because if you think about it, isn’t that fair? This other person, whoever it is, is where they are in life because they worked at it- good for them! Lets celebrate that, just like we all want to also have our moments of self-celebration. Don’t just expect to receive it, give it too. And give it genuinely.
I also sat with the thought in my mind of who am I to judge others for what they do, or even don’t do? Like seriously, who am I to state or determine an opinion on someone else who is entirely independent and separate from what I do in my life? Did I have that RIGHT? No.. I absolutely did not.
Truth is, you should not feel your opinions on others hold any ground just like you should live knowing that in the same way the opinions of others don’t hold ground in your life!!
This improved my ability to have genuine relationships with people because I was no longer in a constant competitive state with others. I could be genuinely happy for the achievements of others and although the thoughts of self doubt and insecurity arose, it AT LEAST was now something I had to deal with personally and I didn’t allow it to influence my relationships with others (as much).
So, that’s the first part of working out the consequences that low-self love has on relationships. Now, to tap into figuring out our inner demons that CAUSE the low self-love.
Mastering Self-Love, It’s Possible.
As you continue to read I want you to open your mind to the concepts I am going to introduce and know that developing love for yourself is an ongoing process, it’s a messy process with emotional and mental setbacks but done right you will set yourself up each time for a stronger comeback.
So here goes …
There is really no secret on how to have self-love. I feel that people beat themselves up for feeling bad inside, for feeling insecure, doubtful and fearful, as if this is not normal and instead they view it as a weakness. I’m telling you right now that these emotions are 10000% normal and NO MATTER how rich, enlightened, old, intelligent you are, those thoughts and feelings will ALWAYS come up. Find peace in that. Now that does not mean we say “alright, the hell with it then! I give up!”
Your mind is always going to try to tear you down, you will never be entirely free of the negativity of your mind. Everybody deals with it, the difference is how they deal with it.
A lack of love for yourself just means that you have allowed those demons in your mind to make you believe things that aren’t true. You have entertained the negativity, maybe even contributed by fueling the fire. For example, you see a person who seems to have their life together and your mind immediately reacts with the thought “they’re better than you”. You either respond with “dang, they’re better than me, plus they look so great and happy” (entertaining/fueling) or you respond with “umm no, GOOD for them, but I’m amazing and I am doing what is best for me in MY life” (Mind SHUT DOWN).
YOU get to choose how you respond, and the outcome of how you FEEL about yourself will be an immediate reflection of the decision you made.
If you choose to believe your inner demons and act in COMFORMITY to those thoughts, you are now your own devil’s advocate. You’ve IDENTIFIED with the negative thought instead of placing yourself in a position where you ACKNOWLEDGE it and say “nope, that’s not true and NOT for me- bye Felicia!”
The reason why this can be “messy” is because it requires being self-aware of when those thoughts come up and committing to rejecting them with self-empowering words. Your own words will not negate the negative thought 100% of the time, but keep at it. Continue to reject the inner negativity and you WILL get better at it. It is an ongoing process, remember. As you go on your love and value in yourself will increase because you have conquered your mind, and no longer allow it to tear you down.